26 Jun Loving Someone Takes Differentiation
We don’t go through a process of differentiation only once; it’s a continual process in our relationship. In truth, as we become closer and closer to our partner and more at risk of losing them (if they died or something happened to the relationship), it takes a lot of differentiation to tolerate that.
It actually requires greater differentiation the more in love or attached you are.
As couples get older and more mature, as they spend more and more time together, they have to learn to counterbalance the incredible investment that they have with each other with being able to hold onto themselves, with being able to soothe themselves, because eventually one of them is going to bury the other!
But many people do just the opposite. They withdraw from their partner as they get older so that by the time that they are dead, the loss isn’t that great. We kill off our partner a little everyday so they mean less to us in the end.
If you’re going to really love somebody and have years and years invested, you have to be able to take care of your own heart. You better be able to have a real core sense of values and not bail out like a lot of people do.